Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan, Daniel Craig. I’ve been besotted by them ever since I heard them purr, “Bond. James Bond.” I’m a sucker for men with British accents. And men who look good in tuxedos.
What’s not to like? Bonds are like wild, exotic animals. Elusive, dangerous, powerful, elegant…sexy. One kiss from them and you’re sure to be swept off your feet faster than you can whisper “Shaken, not stirred.” 007 has skills.
My only issue with Bond, is that none of them ever chose me to be their lithe, lovely, provocatively named Bond Girl.
Why pick me, you say? Well, I’m smart, savvy, well seasoned, and I’ve got something those ultra-slim sirens before me don’t have..Spanx. That’s right, just think of the weaponry I could hide in there. And I’ve got skills. Super Momma Skills, like eyes in the back of my head and super sonic hearing. I’m also impervious to pain – I have walked on Legos. Barefoot.
I can do all those things a young beautiful Bond girl can do, and then some. Not only can I look quite fetching in a ball-gown, I can run in heels, and catch things flung at my head in midair, even while driving. (Anyone who’s had a toddler knows what I mean.)
Years of raising teenagers has made me a formidable ally. I am acutely aware when someone wants something (especially money) or is hiding something (like the truth). More importantly, I’m dangerous and mysterious…just ask the ladies at See’s Candy. They never know what I’m going to ask for or when I’m coming in. U-huh. Dan-ger-ous.
You’re probably wondering, can this delicate creature handle a weapon? Well, you and MI6 can rest assured that from what I have been told, I am quite handy – quite handy, indeed – with a weapon. I’m not bad with a panini maker either. Oh, yes, Mr. Bond, you would be in good hands.
I also have a secret weapon. I can make him laugh. How many Bond Girls can say that? After a stressful day making the world a safer place, Mr. Bond could use a martini and some comic relief.
I might not be as young as the lovely creatures 007 is used to frolicking with, but I think our newest Bond – the ruggedly handsome Daniel Craig – is ready for a mature woman like me. We have a lot in common, you know. We’re both in our 40s, we both like martinis, we both use eye-cream. Of course, I’d have one of those naughty Bond Girl names. Just call me Experiencia. Multa Experiencia.
This post was also featured on Erma Bombeck’s Writer’s Workshop.
Clever piece! Carpool Goddess… any mom who does the carpool can beat any Bond Girl in any category.
Thanks! Carpool rules!
Watch out lady: Daniel Craig is mine. All mine. And, as he is already a certified family Celebrity Crush, I even have spousal permission to dally with Daniel if I ever get the chance. Which I might, considering his new fiancee often rents a house in my ‘hood … Who says I can’t walk the dog past their house 24 hours a day?!
Can I visit you? I’ll bring fresh baked goodies? And, fyi, I think they’re married now.
You would be the best Bond girl ever!!! And I agree…Daniel Craig is the best Bond. Love your post!!!
Thank you Caryn! Daniel is dreamy, isn’t he?!
This was great! You would be a FABULOUS Bond girl! Go for it!
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Bonnie 🙂
Impressive resume… He doesn’t know what he’s missing!
That’s what I say, right?
Adorable! Yes, we moms have acquired more skills than you can shake a stick at…a swizzle stick, of course.
Thanks, Mindy. Swizzle stick, indeed!
That’s it – I’m starting a campaign for you to be the next bond girl. Your posts always put a smile on my face.
Aww…thanks Elaine. Your comments do the same for me.
Nobody has more skills than a mom who has survived toddlers and teens. Nobody. You would be the best Bond Girl ever.
Thanks, Ginger! I think I’m ready for this.
I think you should write a series of blogs about you as a Bond girl – I would read every one of them! Great approach to this topic. I loved it.
Thanks, Donna! You might be on to something 🙂
Oh, this cracked me up!
“I’m also impervious to pain – I have walked on Legos. Barefoot.”
Perfect!
Thanks. So you know what I’m talking about?
Hahahaha! That was great – yes, I think you’re exactly was Bond needs!
Yes, I think Bond needs me too. Glad you enjoyed it.
Bring it on! We’re ready for a carpool goddess to bewitch James Pnd.
I’m ready too 🙂
So funny. Moms are superheroes, aren’t we? I would hire you to be my Bond girl in a minute.
Thanks, Sharon! That means a lot to me 🙂
Fun! I’m convinced. You should definitely be a Bond girl!
Now if I could just convince Daniel Craig. Hmm…
I am laughing out loud this is so funny! You both use eye cream. Yep. That’s what happens to those of us in our 40s! My favorite Bond was Roger Moore. Nobody played it better. You’d be a fabulous Bond girl!
Glad you enjoyed this! Roger Moore, ah, my first Bond love…
Is that having eyes in the back of your head that you Moms do what they call second sight?! And is it bionic? ‘Cause my mom had it in spades…!
Oh, yeah, mom’s have special powers!
You got the job, I mean they don’t even have to come up with your name! Multa Experiencia with eyes in the back of your head, your secret weapon is working on me!
Yvonne recently posted Three Things My Celebrity Crush Taught Me About Menopause.
Good points. Being a mom makes us ready for just about anything.
Isn’t that the truth!
What a great way to flip the telescope from movie star to fan. You go (Bond), Girl!
Ack! I love this post! And nobody knows true pain until they’ve stepped on Lego blocks barefoot. 😉
Haha, and what could be more romantic than sharing eye cream with Daniel Craig? Adorable.
I love it. You could totally be a bond girl.
GREAT choices! I love all the Bonds in their own way. I think you would make a great Bond girl for Daniel!
You wrote such a fun piece! Being a mom should be a prerequisite for a Bond Girl role.
You are SUCH an obvious choice for the next one!
Thanks! I’m just waiting for the phone call, LOL.
But they all have *different* accents, not generic ‘British’. Sean Connery has a famously SCOTTISH accent (*swoon*) and is generally a famous Scot and member of the Scottish National Party. The other ones, hm, escape me now (I’m not from Britain myself, either… though I live here.) 🙂 Oh, and George Lazenby: AUSTRALIAN! Not British. 🙂 Anyway, as I said on twitter: you ARE Bond.
Thank you Picturetalk, that is the higest compliment 🙂
LOL! You would be a much better Bond girl than those silly immature women. You have mad skilz!