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Colonoscopies Are Not For Sissies

I had a colonoscopy this morning. Yes, I am writing this in a semi-twilight induced haze, but don’t worry, I will spare you the unsavory details, but it did make trying to come up with an appropriate title a struggle. (Possible titles: Thunder From Down Under and Let The Good Times Roll, didn’t seem quite right, nor did I’ve Never Been So Thankful For Charmin Extra-Soft.)

toiletpaper

But, let’s get down to business.

This was not my first time at the rodeo, so I knew what to expect. The day of colonoscopy-prep is by far worse than the procedure itself. It is no less than torture. I endured drinking the gag-inducing Suprep, aka Liquid Dynamite, that they mercilessly (HA!) split into two portions, because, I kept reminding myself, it could save my life.

And I drank every last drop, slamming it back like Rocky getting ready for the fight of his life, and cursing the day I was born because that stuff is just nasty. I wanted my colon to be so clean they could see into tomorrow, leaving no part of my large intestine or any rouge polyp unchecked.

Yucky liquid I had to drink

The putrid liquid is like licking the bottom of an old tropical fish tank with a splash of Robitussin to mask the taste. It fails. As my family eats my favorite Chinese take-out Moo Shu Chicken downstairs, I think this is what hell must be like.

Those 24 hours without solid food made me think of nothing but solid food. I was allowed nothing red, blue, or creamy, only clear food and liquids, like jello and juice and ice pops and chicken broth. I’m up to here in chicken broth. (Hand pointing to my shriveled neck.) And, the toddler in me never thought I’d say this, but I never want to see apple juice again.

Once this foul preparation has been taken you cannot leave the house, so plan your day accordingly. I did, however, manage to dash out before it was time to guzzle the “Liquid Drano” and before the dizzy spells from hunger kicked in, for a quick blow-dry and manicure, because nothing says comfort like a little pre-colonoscopy pampering. Besides, as long as I’m going to feel retched and disgusting, I might as well feel pretty. Though I’m certain they’ll be focused on my other end.

popsicle:coloonoscopy copy

I kept myself busy to take my mind off starvation. I spent the entire morning paying bills, answering emails, cleaning out drawers, and watching hours and hours of scarf-tying tutorials on YouTube, of which I don’t remember a thing.

I know many people are afraid of having a colonoscopy. Fearing what the doctor might find or, worse–never waking from the anesthesia. I get that, I really do. No one likes getting poked and prodded in their nether regions while a room full of people are watching, or drugged and put to sleep. But, to me, all vanity slips away when your life is at stake. Many people put off having the exam, believing that no symptoms equals a healthy colon, only to find out they had cancer.

Experts recommend men and women begin testing for colon cancer at age 50, earlier for those with a prior or family history of colorectal cancer or polyps. According to the American Cancer Society, “Colorectal cancer is the third leading cause of cancer-related deaths in the United States when men and women are considered separately, and the second leading cause when both sexes are combined. It is expected to cause about 49,190 deaths during 2016.”

So I choose to be proactive even when it scares me, even when I don’t want to be brave. And force myself to sip, what humorist Dave Barry calls a “nuclear laxative,”  knowing this test could save my life. Eventually, whatever goes in, comes out like, well, you can imagine. As I said, pure hell. Not even online shopping could boost my mood.

BRCA photo

But it’s a hell worth going through. My mother is a colon cancer survivor and my father died young from pancreatic cancer. I have been proactive about getting checked for both, feeling like I’m dodging genetic bullets. The BRCA test, mostly known for showing the genetic link for ovarian and breast cancer, is also a marker for pancreatic cancer. The two months I waited for results -thankfully negative- felt like forever.

Before you know it, it’s time for the procedure and, more than likely, you’re so drained (no pun intended) that a nice little nap sounds good. The procedure itself is quick and painless. Afterwards I feel as light as a feather and well rested. There is a little bloat, but I feel that way after Chinese food too.

My biggest fear is waking up in the recovery room facing a forlorn husband who has just heard bad news, so you can imagine my relief when the procedure was over and the doctor assured me everything was fine. And, if I were to find out a less the ideal prognosis, then well, at least I have given myself a fighting chance to do something about it. I’ve never been one to believe ignorance is bliss, unless I’m ordering dessert.

So, I go into these procedures, scared and, of course, fearing the worst, because I’m nothing if not prepared. But, I figure I’ve got a good chance of survival by putting myself in the very best hands before there seems to be any issues. Just because I come from a genetic minefield doesn’t mean I have to live in one. Neither do you.

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Filed Under: Midlife musings Tagged With: colon cancer, colonoscopy, turing 50

Comments

  1. H Kaplan says

    March 27, 2016 at 8:26 am

    Glad you survived it all unscathed, Linda. I was petrified when the time came for mine. But the prep I used made the whole thing effortless. (Ask for this prep for your next one.) The cranberry flavor tasted okay, and the prep was no big deal at all. http://www.prepopik.com/ As you already mentioned, the procedure itself was easy.

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      March 28, 2016 at 10:41 am

      I’ll try that one next time. Thanks!

      Reply
  2. Nancy L. Wolf says

    March 27, 2016 at 8:27 am

    Great post, Linda! My Mom had colorectal cancer – she died of unrelated complications at age 54. So I am religious a both getting screened every 5 years.

    It feels GREAT after it is over, you captured that part so well’

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      March 28, 2016 at 10:42 am

      Nancy, I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. Such an awful disease. Thanks for reading.

      Reply
  3. Marion ostrow says

    March 27, 2016 at 11:36 am

    Well said..

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      March 28, 2016 at 10:41 am

      Thank you!

      Reply
  4. Sandra Sallin says

    March 27, 2016 at 12:21 pm

    I smiled the whole time. What a delightful description of a yucky procedure. Yes. I’ve gone through the same thing and had the same feelings. I just did not get my hair and nails done in preparation. But next time….

    Thanks for posting. I remember when Katie Couric went through the procedure on televisions to alert the nation that this is something that must be done.

    Loved it.

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      March 28, 2016 at 10:44 am

      Thanks, Sandy! Glad I could bring a little humor to such an icky, but necessary, procedure.

      Reply
  5. Maggie Millus says

    March 28, 2016 at 12:50 pm

    Broke my hip 10 days ago…it beats having a colonoscopy.

    Reply
  6. Haralee says

    March 28, 2016 at 4:02 pm

    I wrote a blog about if couple colonoscopy could be a thing, not really, last week! The prep is lousy but it is a no brainer in screening precautions and cancer is a whole lot worse than any 24 hours of prep! Glad yours was clean!

    Reply
  7. Ellen Dolgen says

    March 28, 2016 at 4:14 pm

    Great blog………loved your description of that horrid syrupy stuff they call, the “prep”. It is putrid…but you gotta do it. The best part of the test is the flat stomach you have as you drive to the test. Then sadly, they fill you up with “air” during the test and your flat tummy disappears when you wake up. I hate that part.

    Reply
  8. Stephanie D Lewis says

    March 30, 2016 at 10:04 pm

    Wow, this is very timely for me to read. I am 52 and my biggest fear about turning 50 was this test and I have managed to evade it but your (humorous yet insightful) post made me realize that I am only cheating myself. Gonna schedule! Thank you and do nice meeting you across the long table tonight. Ugh…. It’s awful to still be on California time in Ohio, right?

    Reply
  9. Hoyden R says

    April 3, 2016 at 11:02 am

    The guidelines I received from my internist said that I should have no nail polish on my fingernails. It interferes with blood-oxygen monitoring. I re-read the guidelines the day before my procedure *and* unfortunately a day after a manicure. With considerable sadness, I dutifully pulled out the cotton pads and remover. 🙁 I’d recommend a manicure for the day after.

    Reply
  10. Sandra Sallin says

    April 24, 2017 at 7:24 pm

    Oh, this is so good. You certainly deserve a Voices of the Year honor. It’s even better the second time around.!!!! You’re really good writer. Better than you think.

    Reply
  11. Sandra Sallin says

    April 24, 2017 at 7:24 pm

    Oh, this is so good. You certainly deserve a Voices of the Year honor. It’s even better the second time around.!!!! You’re really good writer. Better than you think.

    Reply
  12. Laurie Stone says

    April 25, 2017 at 12:09 pm

    Oh God, I have to get my second in a few months. My last one was 10 years ago so I’m way overdue. You’re right, though. Its better to do it than not do it.

    Reply
  13. Monica Matthews, how2winscholarships.com says

    April 25, 2017 at 2:44 pm

    Colonoscopies are not for sissies, but you’re a sissy if you are too scared to have one! Great post and PSA. I had to have one about 6 months ago, and I’m not even 50 yet. I lived. 🙂

    Reply
  14. Bonnie K. Aldinger says

    April 25, 2017 at 2:46 pm

    Yup, I shouldn’t have read that. 🙁 Such a fun thing to look forward to this year.

    Reply
  15. Bonnie K. Aldinger says

    April 25, 2017 at 2:46 pm

    very good retelling though.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Announcing the #BlogHer17 Voices of the Year Honorees | Tiffany Favorites says:
    April 24, 2017 at 12:18 pm

    […] Linda Wolff for Colonoscopies Are Not For Sissies […]

    Reply
  2. Two Graduations, A Book, And The Freshman 15 - Carpool Goddess says:
    June 29, 2017 at 4:35 pm

    […] Lesson learned? Never give up. (Unless, of course, you’re on a diet and someone brings you donuts.) So, if you’d like to read a funny, yet informative, piece on colonoscopies then looky here. […]

    Reply

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