Carpool Goddess

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6 Things I Would Tell My 20-Year-Old Self

At twenty I was like many kids at that age: A youthful mixture of  bravado and immaturity. Every thing seemed SO important. EVERY decision was larger than life. Yet honestly, I didn’t have a clue who I was. In reality, I was just a girl who would struggle with frizzy hair for almost forty years before figuring out how to tame it, amongst other things. Yeah, I was that girl.

Here is my best advice for twenty-year-olds. The six things I know now, but wish I would have known then. (Though, according to my mother, I wouldn’t have listened anyway.)

 

1. Learn to be patient, uncomfortable and alone, because, as your mom likes to say, this too shall pass. Time will heal the loss and pain of a broken heart, so don’t be in such a rush to replace a person or a boyfriend. Sometimes the uncomfortable transition period is necessary for learning and growth; and rebound relationships usually aren’t built to last, though you’ll have your fun trying this anyway. However some losses, like the death of your father when you were young, will last a lifetime. The pain diminishes, but the wound never fully heals.

2. Don’t base your self-worth on a man and don’t make men your first priority. Very hard to do when growing up to be a wife and mom are deeply ingrained in your head. Try to really know yourself before you get in a serious relationship or marriage, though the romantic in you won’t listen. Remember, if you’re not with someone who makes you feel like the most beautiful, loveable and special person in the world, walk away. (And if it makes you feel any better, just know karma’s a bitch. One of your ex’s never got married and regrets not marrying you. I heard this from a reliable source, I swear. And the other was recently indicted. You didn’t really need that headache. You’re welcome.)

[Tweet “Learn to be patient, uncomfortable and alone.”]

3. Finish college and/or grad school before you get married and have children. After a full day with the kids, being a wife, tackling homework until the wee hours of the morning, only to do it again the next day, is exhausting and won’t do your dewy complexion any favors, either.

4. People will try to discourage you. Don’t let them. Believe in yourself. Don’t be afraid of not succeeding. (I don’t say “failure,” because there is only failure in not trying.) Be more afraid of NOT trying and living with regret. If you fall, pick yourself up, and keep moving forward. Twenty some years later, you’ll be saying this to your kids a lot, too.

believe in yourself

5. Worrying about what other people think of you is a waste of time and energy. Don’t let someone else’s perception of you (unless it’s absolutely fabulous!) become how you see yourself. And for God’s sake, don’t be so hard on yourself all the time. Don’t get caught in the trap that everything needs to be perfect, or nothing will ever get done. And take it easy with the worry part too. That just gives you wrinkles.

6. And, on a lighter note, if you’ve been blessed -or in my case, possibly cursed- with a full head of kinky curly hair, that looks different and unwieldy each and every morning, here’s a tip on how to tame that head of hair of yours that only took me 40 some years to learn. (If you were blessed with super fine, silky straight hair, I don’t hold it against you. Please relish this is one less thing you need to work on.) After you wash it and put in a little leave-in conditioner, put on a tight ponytail (use two if you have long hair, with the second towards the bottom of the tail). With ponytails in place, blow dry on the highest heat setting for five to ten minutes. Leave ponytails in and then leave it to air-dry for several hours. Voila!

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Filed Under: College & Empty Nest, Get Inspired, Lists, Parenting, Popular Posts Tagged With: advice for college kids, advice for teens, college 101, college tips, dating, marriage, twenty years old, what I wish I would have known when I was younger

Comments

  1. Michelle Chiklis says

    November 5, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    Great advice. I’m going to try that hair trick on my daughter’s hair tonight!
    xo
    Michelle

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 7:17 am

      Thanks! Let me know how it works.

      Reply
  2. Melissa Lawler says

    November 5, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    Excellent advice!

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 7:21 am

      Thanks, Melissa.

      Reply
  3. Christina Simon says

    November 5, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    I LOVE this piece and the blog prompt too. Worrying about what other people think IS a waste of time and goodness knows how many hours/days/years I’ve spent on it.

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 7:18 am

      I still struggle with this a little. It’s a hard habit to break.

      Reply
  4. Deanna Baron says

    November 5, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    Great advice and its advice that I wish I could insert in a chip into my daughters brain. Unfortunately like you said, its advice that they won’t listen to and lessons I guess they have to learn to believe.

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 7:21 am

      Exactly, with age comes wisdom.

      Reply
  5. Haralee says

    November 5, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    I like your list! The hair, too bad todays products were not available when I was 20.!

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 7:22 am

      I know, right?! Oh, how I struggled.

      Reply
  6. Sharon Greenthal says

    November 5, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    “Learn to be impatient, uncomfortable and alone.” Such important lessons, and so painful to go through. I think I have them down now!

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 7:22 am

      Yes, so much pain growing up. So glad that part of my life is behind me 🙂

      Reply
  7. Walker Thornton says

    November 5, 2012 at 5:23 pm

    Don’t base your self-worth on a man! Oh my, the refrain of way too many of us. Great post and fun blog, I will be back.

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 7:18 am

      Thank you Walker! Looking forward to checking out your blog too.

      Reply
  8. Karen Taylor says

    November 5, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    The years I wasted worrying about what other people thought. If only someone had pounded that into my head when I was 20! Great letter.

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 7:19 am

      I’m pretty sure my parents said this to me, but it was a concept my 20 year old self (30 too!) wasn’t ready to accept.

      Reply
  9. BigLittleWolf says

    November 5, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    That “believe in yourself” message. 20 years old isn’t exactly mature, but nor is it being kid. It’s remarkable how many times that theme comes up for all of us. How unsure we were. The lack of confidence.

    Fortunately, with time and experience that changes for most of us. But the years it takes (for some of us) – wouldn’t it be better if we could find that place in ourselves much sooner?

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 7:27 am

      I think it’s rare to have that kind of confidence at such a young age. I’m in awe of those that do.

      Reply
  10. Chloe Jeffreys says

    November 5, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Screw my 20-year old self. Your advice is what I needed at 50 to hear today! Thank you.

    I sense a theme in our bloghop that men and our desire for them has played a huge role in forming us as women. Now I’m really starting to wonder what a men’s midlife bloghop would read like. Do men regret frittering away so much psychic energy on girls?

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 7:21 am

      Thank you, Chloe! Yes, it’s all about the men. What is that?!

      Reply
  11. Jo Heroux says

    November 5, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    I feel like I could have written much of this one. I love your advice about men…they cannot be the center of your life. A partner isn’t your nexus, he’s your equal and your friend. So much easier that way.

    Accepting disappointments is hard when you’re 20, it’s life when you’re 60! Time does change things.

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 7:29 am

      I think most of us had boys on the brain. All. The. Time. My parents should have put me in an all girls school 😉

      Reply
  12. Lynn says

    November 6, 2012 at 6:40 am

    Loved this jewel of a line: “Remember, if you’re not with someone who makes you feel like the most beautiful, loveable and special person in the world, walk away.”

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 7:30 am

      Thank you! I wish I would have had the strength to follow through with this at a younger age.

      Reply
  13. Laura Lee Carter says

    November 6, 2012 at 7:11 am

    Too bad the 20 year old girls of the world aren’t benefiting from this! Anybody want to help me put together a book??? -LLC

    Reply
  14. Carpool Goddess says

    November 6, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Yes, Laura! Count me in.

    Reply
  15. Karen says

    November 6, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Great advice! I especially like the part about learning to just sit with the uncomfortable feelings. That’s so hard to do sometimes–we’re always rushing to solutions–but it’s so essential to learning the meaning of what the hell just happened. 🙂 And not letting it happen again.
    Karen

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 3:32 pm

      Thank you, Karen. It can take years to learn.

      Reply
  16. Gina Osher says

    November 6, 2012 at 9:56 am

    This has to be one of my favorite posts of yours! All fantastic advice (& so funny about the exes)! It’s so crazy how we all have to learn things the hard way, isn’t it? I do like to think that the 20 year old me would be awfully pleased with the woman she’s become. I’m sure you can say the same.

    Great post!

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 3:33 pm

      Thank you, Gina! I’m so glad you liked it. Yeah, the part about the ex’s always gives me a good laugh. Ha!

      Reply
  17. Lisa@GrandmasBriefs says

    November 6, 2012 at 10:04 am

    “Don’t be afraid of not succeeding.” Best. line. ever. Such good advice here that we all could have used (yet surely would have ignored).

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 3:33 pm

      Thanks, Lisa! I have to keep reminding myself of this, too.

      Reply
  18. Manic Motherhood says

    November 6, 2012 at 10:11 am

    I loved this! I don’t know what I would tell my teenage self – other than stop frowning Botox is expensive! Oh, and stop eating that fast food. It may not show in your thighs yet, but in a few years all those Big Macs are going to get together and make your ass the size of Montana.

    I also might have to explain to my teenage self that I never grow out of being shallow 🙂

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 3:39 pm

      Thanks, Manic! Your list is great too 🙂 Your Botox comment made me realize that I forgot include the biggest ager of all… #7: Wear sunscreen.

      Reply
  19. Helene Bludman says

    November 6, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Can’t wait to try your anti-frizz technique. Where were you 30 years ago?? Great post.

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 3:40 pm

      That’s why I keep all those old photos under wraps. Bad hair years!

      Reply
  20. Hayley says

    November 6, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    Good suggestions to ponder at any age! Thanks for the words of wisdom, Carpool Goddess!

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      November 6, 2012 at 3:41 pm

      My pleasure, Hayley!

      Reply
  21. Your Doctor's Wife says

    November 6, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    I needed 2,3, and 5! Jeez, that would’ve saved plenty of heartache and hardships!

    Reply
  22. Ginger says

    November 7, 2012 at 10:34 am

    I would tell myself to travel…travel…travel….spend any extra money and travel…Go do the study abroad, find a way to pay for it! Wish I would have done it.

    Reply
  23. Stephanie says

    November 7, 2012 at 11:34 am

    I LOVE that you give yourself hair advice! Hilarious!

    Reply
  24. Sarah Maizes says

    November 7, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Love that you didn’t neglect giving a beauty tip to yourself! If only we knew at 20 what we know now!

    Reply
  25. Roshni says

    November 7, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    Always good advice to stop caring about what other people think! That hair tip is very intriguing!!

    Reply
  26. Kristin CruZ says

    November 7, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom, and your site. My first visit here. Love your style. Keep up the fun! You have a new fan 🙂

    Reply
  27. grownandflown says

    November 8, 2012 at 4:41 am

    I wonder if it is instinctive that we all seem to have put such a high value on our relationships with men. I agree with you, completely, on the need to base your self-worth on something other than a man, btw. Well done!

    Reply
  28. Whitney says

    November 8, 2012 at 5:06 am

    I will keep these all in mind for the next 5 years…when you then have to teach me about being in my 30s. Thanks Aunt Carpool Goddess!

    Reply
  29. Amanda Frank says

    November 8, 2012 at 8:23 am

    This is a fantastic post and some awesome advice! I think that sometimes as we age, we lose that natural confidence we had when we were younger, and even though we are much, much wiser now sometimes we long to be young again. I know it’s cliche but as I’ve aged, sometimes I read self help books. I actually just finished reading a great one called “Borderless Broads, New Adventures for the Midlife Woman” by Morgana Morgaine. You can check her out and get the book right from her website, http://www.morganamorgaine.com/. It’s a great read for women, especially those like me who are middle aged. It was pretty interesting and instead of telling me “it’s all going to be ok”, it gave me a sense of inner peace and confidence in myself again. I’d love to go back and give my 20 something self a bit of advice. Thanks again for sharing this great post!

    Reply
  30. Lorena says

    November 8, 2012 at 9:13 am

    Great advice! I will try the hair trick. I have been trying to tame my hair for 20 years!

    Reply
  31. wendy says

    November 8, 2012 at 10:06 am

    I would remind myself that the only thing I want to be better than is the ME I was yesterday.

    Reply
  32. Donna Tetreault says

    November 8, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    Numbers 2 and 4— ohhhh, how they speak to me… every young girl should be mandated to read this!!!!!

    Reply
  33. mindy trotta says

    November 8, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Don’t base your self-worth on a man! The battle cry of that era! And you, just like me, got the wavy hair, and your sister got the straight hair. Not fair!

    Reply
  34. BH Mom says

    November 8, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Knowing yourself before you get into a relationship – very solid advice, CG. I always grew up hearing how important it was to find a career – that depending on a man for my livelihood was a bad deal.

    Reply
  35. Matt Steiner says

    November 8, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    Really sweet post, Linda. I also grew up with the mentality that a partner (a prince charming) was the most important piece missing from my life. Many a frivolous relationship later, I came to realize that romance wasn’t necessary for happiness…haha, and NOW I’m with a lovely, caring partner! 😉

    Reply
  36. Joy Weese Moll (@joy says

    November 8, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    I’d love to send my 20-year old self to my current stylist — a curly hair specialist. Unfortunately, she wouldn’t even be born for another five years.

    Great bits of advice! It’s taken me forever to begin to value that transition piece and not try to push forward too fast into new relationships and things.

    Reply
  37. Katie Hurley says

    November 9, 2012 at 7:52 am

    I love this for so many reasons. Mostly, because I would say the same.

    Reply
  38. Julie Danis says

    November 9, 2012 at 8:17 am

    I’m listening to your advice now. Believe in yourself is important to remember everyday.

    Reply
  39. Pauline Gaines says

    November 9, 2012 at 9:50 am

    I am still working on not caring so much what other people think, but I think I have FINALLY accepted my frizzy hair. 🙂

    Reply
  40. Tracy Joyner says

    November 10, 2012 at 8:40 am

    What I would tell my 20 yr old self–wow, that is awesome! I would tell myself to leave that first marriage early right after the babies were born because they are the best thing that would come from that union…save myself years of unnecessary heartache and get on with finding that guy who treasures me. I would tell myself to get on with living a life worthy of looking back on because that special guy really is out there and God / the universe will bring us together when the time is right. I would tell myself not to worry, that I will feel treasured and honored when that guy finds me.

    Yep, it all comes back to the GUY doesn’t it?

    Reply
  41. Crystal says

    November 10, 2012 at 9:39 am

    What a great post! The one that jumped out at me was “Don’t base your self-worth on a man and don’t make men your first priority.” I see so many young women making this mistake. I made this mistake when I was that age. You live and learn.

    Crystal

    Reply
  42. Valerie says

    November 10, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Love this. Great advice to yourself. 🙂 I wrote a couple of posts about advice to my former self as well. My 17-year-old self, in particular, needed a serious talking to. Visiting from SITS. Have a great weekend.

    Reply
  43. Carpool Goddess says

    November 16, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Thank you for all your amazing responses. xoxo

    Reply
  44. Mia Johnstone says

    November 26, 2012 at 10:44 am

    “Don’t let someone else’s perception of you….become how you see yourself.”
    Great post!!!

    Reply
  45. Classic NYer says

    January 26, 2013 at 9:43 am

    Things I would tell my twenty year old self: your hair is nappy. This is not a problem, and it doesn’t need to be solved.

    Happy Sharefest!

    Reply
  46. Kristiina says

    January 26, 2013 at 6:22 pm

    I can’t even tell you how much I love this post. If I wrote a letter to myself at twenty it would be pretty similar except I still don’t know how to give my flat hair actual volume.

    xx

    Reply
  47. Andrea says

    January 26, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    I’m too angry at my 20 year old self to write her anything. Kudos to you for being on speaking terms with your 20 year old self. You’ve inspired me to forgive 20 year old Andrea. I just may write her a note. Visiting from SITS.

    Reply
  48. Misty Kearns says

    January 26, 2013 at 11:23 pm

    Several of those things I would love to go back and tell myself too! (found you through the SITS link up) 🙂

    Reply
  49. Courtney says

    April 23, 2013 at 11:27 am

    Thanks so much for this post. I’ve been so scared about going to college, especially since my ex boyfriend broke up with me on prom night for my best friend that I invited to go with us because her date ditched her. Forget both of them! I will meet many new friends and guys in college, but I’m not going to rush it. Someday I will meet people that won’t do crap like that to me, and their rebound relationship won’t last in high school. They’ll both realize they lost a really good relationship with me when I become a successful nurse and he still hasn’t become a soccer player, and she is still working at a fast food joint (that’s what they both told me their future plans were haha) They will grow up one day.

    Reply
  50. Nicole says

    November 5, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    I am in my 20’s now and can definitely relate, especially to the part discussing how every decision seems larger than life, it does! Thank you for the advice.

    Reply
  51. Emily says

    April 14, 2014 at 10:41 am

    All such good advice and I do find myself telling my teens this stuff already…as for that hair drying technique, wow – I am so going to try that!!

    Reply
    • Carpool Goddess says

      April 14, 2014 at 4:31 pm

      Thanks Emily! Good luck with the hair 🙂

      Reply
  52. Carolyn West says

    April 14, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    Love #4. I tell this to my girls all the time. Hoping some of it is sinking in.

    Reply
  53. Serenity says

    May 25, 2014 at 6:54 am

    I am 16 years old and I try to take this advice with me everywhere I go.

    Reply
  54. Tiffani says

    September 5, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    At 19 years old, these sure are hard lessons to go through and hard habits to break. but like you said “With age comes wisdom” and we have to learn. It feels like everything you wrote was just for me. Because at this time in my life I sure needed to hear these things. Reassurance. Thank you (:
    -Tiff

    Reply

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