Sitting at 36,000 feet above ground is not my favorite place to be. It takes a lot to get me airborne. The twenty-four hours before any flight is filled with tremendous anxiety and a need to finish every project ever imagined. I’m like a whirling dervish, coordinating and packing my tiny carry-on at the very last possible minute, because only that kind of frenzy can take my mind off the F word – Flying.
Don’t get me wrong – I love to travel. I just hate the crowds and commotion of airports, and flying in general. Long lines, stripping down and unpacking for TSA, and finding my “Terminal” add to my already heightened anxiety. Terminal? Couldn’t they have thought that one out just a minute or two longer and used a more life-affirming word instead?
Before I board the plane I have my rituals. I kiss the finger tips on my right hand and press them to outside of the plane as I cross the threshold. It looks like I’m petting the plane. Once inside, I give a quick peek into the cockpit to make sure the pilots look busy, fit and sober.
Then, I find my seat and immediately take out my stash of glossy magazines, snack bag, and my low-dose Xanax, which I break into teeny-tiny pieces so I can pop them into my mouth like Tic-Tacs at the first sign of turbulence. I take my first one before takeoff as a preemptive strike. I do this until I’m feeling good – not Kristin Wiig in Bridesmaids feeling good – but just enough to take the edge off. Of course, I’m still in control, because you never know, they might need me to help fly the plane.
When the pilot comes on PA system and says “Sit back, relax and enjoy the flight,” I almost laugh out loud. Yeah, right! Just get me there in one piece I whisper under my breath. Years ago, I didn’t self medicate. I would sit there crying silently, paralyzed with fear, with a death grip on the armrests or the unlucky person next to me. Naturally, I did not want my kids to see me like this or pass my fear onto them or have a heart attack from the stress. Xanax became my trusty travel companion.
So as soon as the flight attendant says it’s safe to do so, I plug the iPod into my ears, listen to soothing music and I pray – especially if there is turbulence – because at this point, a little divine intervention couldn’t hurt. I also keep an eye on the flight attendants’ faces to judge how we’re faring.
When we hit the half way mark on a flight, something inside me signals we’re home-free, because any flight that’s half over means they’ve pretty much got a handle (no pun intended) on what they’re doing by now. (I’m sure you can understand the deep logic in that.) You can almost hear me squeal, “Yay, we’re going to make it!” I become positively giddy. If I’m listening to music, there may actually be some shoulder bobbing at this point. I might even look out the window and marvel at the fluffy clouds and clear blue sky and wonder if this is what heaven looks like. I blame the euphoria on the fact I’m still alive. (And clearly, the Xanax has kicked in.)
Like a lot of women, I didn’t become afraid of flying until I became a mom. Yes, I know statistics show that flying is safer than driving, and air travel is currently the safest it’s ever been, but somehow that is lost on me while trapped in a small space at 36,000 feet. If flying is so safe, then why are people always saying “Safe travels!”? Just say “See ya” or give me a wave, and pass me the Xanax.
Are you afraid of flying too?
Do you sit in the same seat each time as part of your ritual? That is about the only thing I routinely try to do to wave off any anxiety when flying. Note to Linda: Don’t ever land at Ontario, CA on a windy day. You will need a lot more Xanax!! Congrats on your one year anniversary. You are quite the writer!!!
Ha! I’m not afraid of flying and I go to sleep before we’ve even taken off. But, I hate the airport security stuff and I’m absolutely terrified of being body scanned or searched. Ugh! Can you imagine a fate almost worse than anything! Plus, traveling with kids is always a challenge. Great post!
I’ve never been too afraid of flying. I even jumped (tandem) out of a plane once while my three daughters watched from below. Many years ago, my husband and I started holding hands at take off, related to Sinead O’Connor’s “Last Day of Our Acquaintance” in which she sings “You used to hold my hand when the plane took off.” We were going through a rough marital patch and that was one small way we committed to holding on. Now when I fly alone — which is more often than not when I go see our grandsons — I find myself holding my own hand at takeoff.
I dislike flying. That’s putting it mildly. I don’t have rituals, but I do watch the faces of everyone who boards. No one ever looks panicky….as I do.
My parents were great travelers. As the youngest of 3 children, I always had the advantage of being the only one home who got to go to Europe and the West Coast with Mom and Dad. I spent a glorious time with them in Paris and the Loire Valley, and spent a week exploring Napa Valley with my dad, the wine maven (really). But the flights were horrific for me. I panicked with every bump, while they read or napped and never noticed a thing. Once we we forced to land in Vegas while en route from CA with an overnight stay (I was too young to gamble – darn!) because there was “engine trouble”.
In post 9/11 I look at every one boarding the plane. Who looks like a terrorist? Who’s going to carry a bomb? With my luck someone will look like the Ted Bundy of terrorists.
Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone in my fear. Agh! I need to get over it, because I love to travel.
Oh, Linda I could have written this! I hate to fly. I always check the cockpit too. And I don’t take meds because like you, I think they may need my help. Ha! It seems to be getting worse with age. Now, I start to hyperventilate just thinking about flying. I’m getting some Xanax next time and from here on out.(does it help?)
I am okay with flying but am married to a fearful flier. Such a tough thing because there is nothing rational to day, fears are sometimes just fears. Luckily it doesn’t seem to keep him, or you, from doing anything.
Me too, me too! *waving hand* I was so petrified of flying years ago that I went through desensitization therapy … and it worked well enough that I could get on a plane. But I will never, ever like it.
Too cute. I’m usually okay on cross-country flights – it’s those long-distance trips to foreign continents that keep me clutching my Xanax bottle. The best flight experience I ever had was on Qantas to Australia – the Xanax knocked me out around bedtime, and when I woke up we were just a couple short hours from Sydney International! 😉 Fun post.
Hooray for Xanax! My husband and I sit in aisle seats across from each other and hold hands on take-off and landing. I’m not as fearful as I used to be, but how I wish I was Samantha Stevens and could wiggle my nose and magically be someplace else! Getting ready to fly to Cabo on Monday, and I’m already feeling a wisp of anxiety about it…
Hi Linda – I think we develop these fears only after we become moms because we realize there are others to worry about besides ourselves – and that makes us much more fearful of putting ourselves in situations that may be even remotely perilous. Thanks for the post!
I haven’t tried xanax because of my senseless need to be in control. My last flight I had a bona fide panic attack. Something tells me you’re onto something here. Got any leftover tic tacs?
Congratulations on CG’s 1 year Anniversary! Great post. We often here people say, ” It’s about the journey, not the destination,” but in your case, I think you should ignore this sentiment and focus on where you’re headed. Good luck!
I used to freak out for a week or two before I was due to take to the sky. Sweaty palms, fast heartbeat and intense panic would magnifybefore takeoff and landings. Not a flight went by where I didn’t start to cry at the first sign of turbulence. Then suddenly it changed when we flew for 2 wonderful vacations. I don’t have a good explanation but maybe it’s because I’ve come to value vacations so much that I don’t want to tarnish a moment of the experience. There’s hope for you yet!
We are living the same life!!!
I don’t mind flying–my biggest issue is the closeness of the seats when I got stuck next to someone undesirable. The worst part of any flight for me, aside from turbulence, is that moment of touchdown and the intense braking required to bring the plane to a stop. Booze always helps! I’m not a pill taker so have never thought of that.
When my first son was 7 weeks old we flew from NC to New Zealand, via Washington, DC, LA, Honolulu, Auckland and finally Hamilton, NZ. THAT was a flight!
Absolutely on my own nerves as well as everyone else’s until that plane leaves the ground. I did this last week and the best sound in the world is hearing the wheep-wheep of your car unlocking in the airport garage after you’re back, safe and sound.
I’m not really afraid to fly, but I must admit that before each flight I do a general scan of the others who will be joining me on the plane. Not because I am searching for terrorists (well, maybe just a little), but because I try to assess whether the group is good enough for God to spare. I know a lot of people prefer not to be on planes with children and babies, but I prefer it. They do a lot for the plane’s salvation status.
I never thought of the poor use of ‘Terminal’ before! I used to fly for my job almost every week so I just could not even think about the fear but just board the plane. I do count how many seats I am from the closest exit, just in case and I don’t sit in the exit row seats unless I am next to some one stronger and taller (for leverage) than me.
OMG! This is so me! I thought I was the only one who had to touch the outside of the plane when I am stepping in it. Seriously, I have to do it every time! My friend is the cocktail cart that comes by and helps me cope with turbulence. I am always looking around thinking, did you feel that? And everyone is all calm and sleeping around me. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone!
OMG! This is so me! I thought I was the only one who had to touch the outside of the plane when I am stepping in it. Seriously, I have to do it every time! My friend is the cocktail cart that comes by and helps me cope with turbulence. I am always looking around thinking, did you feel that? And everyone is all calm and sleeping around me. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone!
I totally hate flying. Actually I hate a lot that goes along with travel & it all makes me incredibly anxious. I don’t have the rituals but I definitely breathe a sigh of relief when the plane touches down safely.
I do have a friend who is a hypnotherapist who has helped many, many people get over their fear of flying. In many ways I suppose that could work better than a xanax because the fear is all in your mind (although to the fearful person it seems totally logical) & then you’ve conquered your fear.
But your point about not being afraid until you became a mom struck a chord…there are dozens of things I worry about now that I am a mom that I never even gave thought to before!
Yes, I am afraid of flying as well. I have only done so once in the past 20 years (oh dear…that seems pathetic). Sometimes the envy I feel when dropping anyone else off at the airport isn’t just about them going on vacation, but about them being okay with it.
I’m not afraid of flying, but I do have rituals, or perhaps you can call them superstitions. I have to touch the person next to me and say a prayer on landing and take-off. It’s easy if I’m traveling with someone I know. Otherwise, I have to be very clever in my implementing my supersitious behavior.
Oh how I feel you. I just came back from South Africa. 1 hour flight from Nelspruit to Johannesburg. 16 hour flight from Johanessburg to New York. 6 hour flight from New York to Los Angeles. I have lost half of my hair and my vagina fell out over Taos, New Mexico where it was abducted by an alien. I just pray she gets my menopause. Sigh. Loved this piece.
LMAO
I do tend to close my eyes and bargain with God on both take off and landing – but must say – I kind of enjoy the peace and quiet in the middle 😉
Your article was me to a T!~ I am afraid, never used to be but once I popped out the kid it all changed. I guess it’s a blessing we have no “extra” to travel. I don’t have to worry about it. Well, hopefully someday.
Fortunately, I have no fear of flying. I do however, hate the parts before the actual flight – arriving early to check in, having to kill two hours at an airport etc. Ugh.
Thanks for all your comments! I feel better knowing I’m not alone 🙂
LOVE your blog! I am the exact same way on a plane. Thank you for making me laugh about it, and at myself.
Loved this. I’m imagining you petting the plane and how normal it seems to me and how odd it must seem to others. As you know, so been there done that, but the way you told the story was perfection!
I am not a fan of flying and I usually freak out for a week ahead of time. Strangely, once through TSA I usually settle down. Must get some Xanax. If I don’t have an aisle seat I freak out too. My husband and family love to travel, and once there I too enjoy the adventure. Loved your 10 rules for travel, I lived in China for a year and traveled around Mexico, Belize, Guatemala and Honduras extensively. The bathrooms I’ve seen…always bring coins, toilet paper, and wet wipes when traveling abroad!
Oh, come fly with me…(or read about my weird rituals here: http://www.zerotosixtyinoneyear.com/2012/09/come-fly-with-me.html)
Jeez, do most of us have these special, personal ways we help the plane take off and land?
Enjoyed the post!
I like to travel, but I’m not a fan of the plane trip. Or at least the takeoff and the landing.
I used to need a valium and a bloody mary…and a tropical beach waiting my arrival….before I got on a plane. I still don’t like it, but I am much better now that my son is all grown up.
Oh girl, I am sitting there right beside you popping Xanax- filled jello shots!
i stumbled upon this as i am googling “how much xanax to take for a long flight without killing yourself” since i’m already having panic about the flight to spain in december to drop my oldest off for her semester abroad AND then have to fly back to california by myself. i love your piece. i want to cry on some level since all your rituals and “i’m gonna live” habits/thoughts are exactly what i do. LOL, being part of humanity is calming me down almost as much as xanax does, so thank you for sharing. XOXO
I have nor problems flying but driving across a bridge is another matter!
I completely understand! I get so nervous even just booking the flight! I wrote a post about it too: http://franticmama.blogspot.com/2013/11/phobias-what-scares-you.html.
I can understand your fear of flying, but I find it odd that you celebrate halfway through the flight… that’s something I’ve not heard anyone do before. Celebrating at the end, yes, but halfway through? At that point you’re still on the plane, still 33,000 feet in the sky! 🙂
Neil
http://www.phooeytofear.com/
I know this post has years … but I was googling about Xanax and flying, and end up here.
I’ve taken some prescribe drugs (not Xanax) in the pass for flying, but as some of the comments here, they didn’t work at all, at the most they done worst (the tic tac thing gone out of control and I just panic about an unreal dead of overdose), (plus I get anxious just by booking the flight, cannot use drugs during 4/5 months).
Equally to the majority here, I love to travel and this irrational fear only stroke after several years of good aeroplane travel (in a transcontinental flight). I also live in a foreigner country (2h. flight) … imagine how this situation is nerve raking. I haven’t been on a plane for more than 2 years. I have taken the boat and car and I’m always looking for alternatives to the plane but they are not family friendly and a journey that could take 2 hours takes more than 30.
Anyway just to comment on the celebrating halfway through the flight… funny is this euphoria also happens to me: as soon I listen the commander announcing the last 25mts for landing, I look down the window, I appreciate all beauty, I smile and talk normally, like 5mts before I didn’t feel I was been tortured by my own will of travel. Guessing this strange reaction must occur because deep inside and during the plane trauma experience, I realise that I’m so close to my city, the mountains, the trees, that if something would happen I could just jump and walk home.
I needed to read this!! I feel the exact same way and finally requested something to help me with my upcoming flight! Xanax it is lol…
I am terrified of flying, especially when we hit turbulance. I start stressing at least 3 weeks before we leave. That is no way to travel, traveling is stressful as it is without worrying about the flight but I just can’t help it. I need something to make me go to sleep and wake up when we land. Any suggestions??
Definately understand this fear. People say driving is safer but getting in a car accident is usually quick and you have no time to think. Some folks who have survived the worst accidents don’t even remember they were in an accident. However if a plane goes down there is around 1-10 minutes of sheer terror before you crashed unless you got hit by a rocket. Everyone says it is quick and you won’t know. Tell that to the folks on Jet Blue when the plane caught on fire and it took several minutes to land. That is why I’m afraid. Long, dramatic, and nothing you can do about it but sit and scream. No fight or flight possible. Also every plane that ever crashed had that first time flyer, the scared person and the person who has flown 100s of times. They all thought they would get there safe but didn’t.
Like you, I didn’t fear flying until I had kids. Then, suddenly, instead of going somewhere fun I was leaving a part of me behind . . . a part of me that nobody else could love like I did. This became a little easier when they became teenagers and smelled bad, but not much. I do breathing exercises and try to find somebody who annoys me so much that my energy goes into staring at them rather than noticing every bump along the way.
Donna
http://www.donnahighfill.com
Thank you so much for this post! I won a trip to LA for my advocacy for my baby girl who has sickle cell. I haven’t flown since my son was born at least 6 years. And I have not had this much anxiety of flying since becoming a mother!! OMG I went to my doctor today and she prescribed me Xanax for my flight. We leave next week from Baltimore. I’m do glad I saw this. Thank You so much!
For real help, first try the free app at http://www.fearofflying.com/app and if you need more, get the book “SOAR: The Breakthrough Treatment for Fear of Flying” (Amazon Editors’ 2014 Favorite Book),
I’m not afraid of flying but this post cracked me up! Sorry, not laughing at your expense, I swear. Yes, flying is much safer than driving if you play the odds (Vegas much?) but given the fact that you, or any passenger, is not in control, it makes the human mind think it’s less safe. Totally understandable.
Are you more or less afraid on a long haul flight or doesn’t it matter?
Next time, try a red wine or 3 as well! Oh, and safe travels… 🙂
Cheers,
Jared
http://www.stridetravel.com
(yes, I work for an online travel company, but promise it’s an awesome one)
What a fantastic post, I cried with laughter! Only because this is me. Flying is my worst fear, I spent 7 hours of an 8 hour flight hysterically crying in October. The woman next to me asked the flight attendant if he had a tranquilliser gun, for me!
My husband at this moment is booking us flights to Germany and I’m already having the sick feeling.
Thank you for your post, I’m just glad I’m not the only one who would rather chew there arm off instead of flying!
(I’ve just asked him if we could drive there instead)
Damn! I am even worse , I start to shake like a 100 year old man. I feel like I am gonna faint outta fear, but I have been a frequent flier since I was 5, I fly atleast three times a year. Now I have a flight after a week which is 16 hours long frm Dallas to Dubai. Its killing me
I had a good chuckle reading this, thank you!
I thought I was the only one who gave the plane a good luck pet before getting on . 😉
Oh boy this is me too!
I also say a quick prayer and touch the plane! 🙂
I do take xanax and it does help. Once I get airborne, as long as I don’t think about it too much, I am OK. I have also used the SOAR program for flying and that has helped tremendously. If I actually did the program religiously, I bet I would not need the xanax. It definitely helped with turbulence, which used to unhinge me. Now I barely notice it. Once we were flying and my husband how love to fly, noticed we had hit some serous turbulence. he was worried about the effect on me and I was happy as a clam. Go figure!
Thanks fro writing this, and all the comments. I don’t feel like such a weirdo now!
<3 <3 <3
This is literally my inner monologue, verbatim. Flying tomorrow, and found this post while up late "packing" (aka stalling.)
You made me laugh, and feel much less alone. Will think of this with gratitude tomorrow while rationing off my "tic-tacs." 🙂
These posts really hit home for me. I used to fly all the time with out any issues. All of the sudden I’ve developed this Phobia/Fear of flying. On my last trip I actually boarded the plane but due to the onset of a panic attack and I had to get off. Although I took Xanax, I don’t think I took enough. How much is needed to knock the out the panicky feeling without overdosing or getting sick? Will 1mg be too much?